Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The uberlube is also flammable
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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