oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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