My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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