So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
