i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
