don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
