i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
