My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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