Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
