Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
