i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
