Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I think people are normalizing furries
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
