So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
