Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
