Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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