turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
