She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
