These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
