Four minutes until I can fart!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
