Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
