FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
