you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
