please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
