All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
