They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
