Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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