my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
