I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
