i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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