You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
