her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
