There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
