My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
