im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
