i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
