I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
