Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
