from now on my penis is your penis
In America we eat man semen.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
