My first STD was from a foam party
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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