theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
