Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
