I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
