I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
