i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
