They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
