Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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