i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
17 year olds will be the death of me.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
