Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
