sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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