You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
