Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
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As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
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I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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