i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
