he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
