You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
