It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
