So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
