you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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