just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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