my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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