i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
