she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
