You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
